Polygons and Japanese Plumbing
A QUICK REMINDER THAT THE PLUTOCRATS ARE HASTENING OUR DOOM, stealing what they can (e.g. the latest round of American tax cuts) so that they can isolate themselves before society falls and the masses start eating one another. Elon Musk is a useful canary in the coal mine. He once designed a car predicated on a hopeful future of clean, renewable energy. His latest vehicle is an SUV/tank for Mad Max LARPers to plow through slow-mutant hordes while traveling to rare-meat dinner parties at the private compounds of other billionaires across the Wasteland.
Many pre-orders have already been placed by national police departments, which will go a long way towards quelling the ‘bread’ and ‘reptile flesh’ riots. This vehicle may serve as a good and proper mount for those non-lethal*, microwave ‘Pain Guns’ developed a few years back, which heat up water molecules on a target’s skin and simulate the feeling of being on fire. China is showing renewed interest in the technology, what with Hong Kong’s pro-democracy rioting. Will America rise to the challenge? We cannot allow a faux-immolation pain gap.
BUT ANYWAY, I HAVE RETURNED FROM JAPAN and there is simply too much to cover, so for now I’m just going to focus on plumbers and plumbing-adjacent issues.
DID YOU KNOW THAT MAN WHOLE COVER ART is a big thing in Japanese cities? There’s a strong history of public art and cultural pride that runs throughout the country, provided that you follow the law. There’s not much unsolicited graffiti on display, and it’s probably best not to try your hand at it. There is a sub-zero tolerance for crime in the Land of the Rising Sun, what with its infamous 99% conviction rate and the ability of prosecutors to hold you for 23 days before proceeding. Police also have a problematic tendency to shove confession papers in your face and abuse you into signing them, without providing a translator or attorney.
THE SUMMER OLYMPICS ARE COMING TO JAPAN in 2020, and Tokyo is resplendent with advertising of characters from the Nintendo universe competing for gold. I saw a poster of Dr. Robotnik squaring off against Wario in weightlifting. Neither had physiques that I would characterize as “peak performance.” Sonic the Hedgehog excelled on track, but Knuckles (also a Hedgehog) underperformed on skateboarding. Toad tore his ACL on the Hammer Throw, while Shy Guy buckled under pressure and failed his lifelong dream to qualify for epee. Princess Peach got caught doping and was disqualified from field hockey. All in all, a mixed bag.
TOILETS IN JAPAN CAN BE DIVIDED INTO TWO TYPES:
1) The Smart Toilet, which has:
A. A bidet that can be programmed to target relevant areas of the underbody, with separate controls dictating the power of the water jets.
B. Blasts of hot air to dry off said areas; heat and intensity is controllable.
C. A warm toilet seat, which can be programmed to pre-heat so that it ready for your morning routine.
D. Background white noise to mask your shameful sounds, especially in public restrooms.
E. Control the intensity and velocity of each flush, depending on what is appropriate. Waste harms everyone.
F. Lots of other buttons I not could figure out, because they were written in kanji.
Vortex of Light
Harmony of Song and Flow
Bear My Waste Away
2) The Squat Toilet, which has:
A. A small, uncomfortable design. Tall, heavy, or most normal-sized Americans need not apply.
B. Climb up on a ledge and do your business while holding tight on metals bars on either side of you.
C. When on a train, try to hold tight while you slam into walls and guard rails as the vehicle speeds along at 80+ miles per hour. Don’t fall.
D. No insulation, very cold.
E. Must emerge looking calm and dignified, with no signs of trauma. Otherwise, you lose face.
What the Fuck Is This
Should Have Gone at the Hotel
One hour ‘till Obu…
I’d be remiss if I didn’t say that Japan has a rich culture that extends well beyond its waste management. Although it IS noteworthy that self-disembowelment- the surrender of one’s ability to manage one’s own wastes- plays a central role in restoring personal honor if your knot-top is cut off by a more bad-ass samurai. But, please: Leave “Hara-Kiri” to the experts, and do not try it with a throwing star that you bought at a street fair in Osaka for 500 yen. It will only irritate the skin.
(*Unless you have a heart attack or seizure from the shock of being set on fire.)
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