2010s SELF-ASSESSMENT POLL EXTRAVAGANZA

END TIMES, END TIMES, DECADE END TIMES! Are you a Teenybopper?! Are you nostalgic for the decade now passed? Will you be stuck there forever… In your mind?

Add up all the numbers of the ones you marked “yes”, and see your score at the bottom.

GENERAL (Y/N) (9 Qs)
- Find a moderately well-paying job, then decide that people in economic distress can go fuck themselves?
- Sign a useless online petition protesting the ending of Game of Thrones, even though the first six season of the show were still excellent?
- Eat the heart of a horse to nourish the power of the “Stallion that Mounts the World” growing in your womb?
- Visited a country other than your own and ate at a McDonald’s?
- Found out that we’ve got until the end of the 2020’s to turn the environment around?
- Become glad that you’re old and will be too dead to suffer the problems associated with ecological collapse?
- Engaged in “self-care.”
- Read a corporate, self-help/philosophy/success book like, “Who’s Resting My Rook?”, “A Silver Spoon in Silver Springs: The Fancy Lad’s Path to the C-Suite”, and “My Autobiography (Mussolini)?”
- Read one (1) book not categorized as YA.

This decade you were given to a new owner! Exciting!

FILMS: (18 Qs)
- Saw three Star Wars sequels with increasing disappointment?
- An episode of Stranger Things?
- Episode 8 of Twin Peaks: The Return
- Mad Max: Fury Road?
- Frozen?
- The Babadook?
- Hereditary?
- Ex Machina?
- The Social Network?
- The Lost Finale (lol)?
- Roma?
- Inception?
- Get Him to the Greek?
- Drive?
- One of the Transformers movies, I don’t care which one?
- Moonlight?
- At least 12 Marvel Movies?
- At least 2 DC Movies?

And as Hawkeye looked out the helicopter window and saw Jack’s corpse on the beach, America wept.

GENERATION (4 Qs)
- Are frightened by Zoomers?
- Are dismissive of Milennials?
- Are disgusted by Boomers?
- Wished the Greatest Generation was still around, because at least they were good at killing Nazis?
facing the human race?

Looking good!

POLITICS (6 Qs)
- Thought it was impossible that someone like Trump would be elected President?
- Miss Barack Hussein Obama and his “Terrorist Fist Jabs” with Michelle?
- Blame Bernie Sanders for costing Hillary Clinton a historical election?
- Enjoy being openly, non-ironically racist again?
- Noticed that all of the billionaires seem to be buying bunkers or planning trips to other planets, for some reason?
- Became convinced that every major Western institution is corrupt and broken, from democracy, to the military, to showbusiness, to the tech sector, and our leaders are entirely craven and myopic; completely unable to address the existential issues.

Looking, good!

SEXUAL IMPROPRIETY (9 Qs)
- Liked the song ‘Blurred Lines’ until the #MeToo movement?
- Liked Bill Cosby’s comedy until he was accused of rape by dozens of women?
- Liked Michael Jackson songs until that documentary accused him of running a Neverland sex cult?
- Liked R. Kelly songs until that documentary accused him of running a recording studio sex cult?
- Loved Bret Kavanaugh’s rulings until the Congressional hearings suggested that he was an emotional unstable alcoholic with a history of sexual assault and running a judicial office sex cult?
- Liked Kevin Spacey movies until all those sexual assault accusers came forward and then the accusers started having lethal accidents?
- Big fan of Jeffrey Epstein’s hospitality on Little St. James, less so after his arrest and subsequent, legitimate suicide?
- Liked Harvey Weinstein films until dozens of women came forward describing the exact same M.O. of his harassment?
- Thought that it was bad, in theory, that the President of the United States would be a rapist, but you still voted for him

Manhattan’s Paley Center will no longer be hosting the Cosby Sweaters exhibit.

HOW CAN YOU MAKE THIS ABOUT YOU? (8 Qs)
(Do you remember where you were when the following things happened):
- David Bowie died?
- Trump was elected?
- Trump was inaugurated?
- Hillary gave her election night concession speech?*
- You watched the episode of The Newsroom when the characters heard that Osama bin Laden was killed?
- One of your kids was born?
- You adopted a pet?
- The War on the War on Christmas was won?

When that guy on The Newsroom told the commercial airline pilot that bin Laden had been killed, it was like we had all killed bin Laden, or told somebody that he had been killed.

ACCEPTANCE (2 Qs)
- Would you say that everyday, in every way, the future is getting darker?
- Did you die?

David Bowie created a surreal and brilliant work of art when faced with his own end. Would that America itself had such grace.

ADD UP YOUR SCORES! Give yourself a One for every “Yes” and a Zero for every “No”.

0 to 14: Still pointlessly mourning U.S. war crimes in Iraq, and the death of Obama-era optimism.

15 to 29: You’re no teeny-bopper.

30 to 34: You wish it was the 2030s so that you could openly show how nostalgic for the 10s you feel on the inside.

35 to 56: It’s January 2035 and I’m experiencing every moment of every year of the ’10s, all at once.

Sign up your friends and foes for further updates, especially in this brave new age. No one knows what’s going to happen, and we all need to stick together and sign up our friends and foes for further updates.

Welcome to the roaring 20s. No way out, but through.

XOXOXOX

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